The Intelligence Chief of The One Leader, The Graet Leader
has intercepted a communication from the Crown of England.
THE FOLLOWING IS NOT TEXT FROM LEADERONIA:
Dear Americans,
In the light of your recent failure to elect a reasonable President and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (Tony Blair for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid to the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
* You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
* Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and ineffective
form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
* There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
* You should learn to distinguish between English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
* Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as the
good guys.
* You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen,
but only after carrying out task one. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
* You will no longer be allowed to play American football. There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American
football.
Instead you should play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20
seconds or wearing full body armour like nancies).
* You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys.
* The fourth of July is no longer a public holiday. The third of
November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be
called "Stupidity Day".
* All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German Cars, you will understand what we
mean.
We understand that it will take some time for this to sink through into
the quagmire of your collective consciousness, (you may wish to look up
the words Quagmire, Collective, and Consciousness) and so we give you
until the first day of the 12th month in the Year of our Lord 2004 to
respond.