"It's bad enough that Dubai wants to take over our ports. Next, it will make us live in them."

Wait, are you trying to tell me that the media has created the whole "MySpace predation epidemic" meme out of thin air? Imagine my surprise

Meet Dale Bell, online dating victim. (Stop laughing.)

"By doing the military equivalent of 'taking the Fifth,' [Maj. Gen. Geoffrey Miller has] decided to protect himself, apparently happy to let two dog handlers take the fall--a stunning betrayal of his subordinates and Army values."

Mardi-Gras-related content: All these headlines that read "First Mardi Gras Since Katrina!" are beginning to crease me. You don't say, Captain Obvious. Yes, we're still observing the laws of time and space, thank you.

Remember Mingering Mike? Now there's a Mingering Mike website. Very cool.

I forgot to forget to remember

I began composing this post nine months ago, which explains why the topic and links are more stale than usual. I unearthed it last night when I was going through my "Draft" entries--the ones I'd begun but never completed--and I thought, Eh, good enough. TEH IRONY!!!1!!!11! Anyhow, only the first two paragraphs are old.

About a month ten months ago I broke down and bought the must-have self-help treatise for creative, hip professionals in the know: Getting Things Done. I did this in the hopes of becoming a super-efficient worker drone*. What happened was that I abandoned it about halfway through, because I figured I'd pretty much gotten the gist and I was also ashamed to be seen reading it on the subway. I don't even know where it is any more--I either loaned it to someone, telling them "This will change your life" (lie), or it's underneath the copy of Motley Crue's Dirt, which I also haven't made it through (misplaced priorities).

The premise of GTD, if I recall correctly, is that you collect shit in your in-box and then divide it up according to how long it'll take you to take care of it. Then you Do, Delegate, or Defer. Then there are 20 more steps after that. I have a flowchart pinned to my bulletin board here. Its corners are yellowed.

The major flaw of the GTD philosophy is that it can't really help you if you hate working. But I reckon if you're in that position, ain't shit that can. Does anyone like working? Very few friends of mine seem to enjoy working but we're a profoundly shiftless lot. I've been wondering this a lot lately. I wish I did enjoy working--because I'm certainly never going to be independently wealthy.

The jerkoff in this little adventure is the reason why you can't get a cab to pick you up in Queens

I want this.

Savanna Samson: Vivid Girl and Vintner

In South Florida, there is no such thing as filing a police complaint [Via]

Sex Pistols to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: "Were (sic) not coming. Were (sic) not your monkeys and so what?"

We're gonna romp and stomp till midnight

Back in January, I attended a show at the Rock Star Bar, the venue that (as I'm wont to opine) reminds me of seeing a show at, like, Bard. It was exceptional in many ways, but I'll get into that in a second. What's important right now is the reason why I went to that show, and that was to see the mighty and awesome Vaz. And tonight, at North Six, they are playing with Philly's Man Man, who seem interesting and one of their songs features a chorus of kindergarteners. I presume said chorus will not be joining them tonight. I really think you should go see this show. Vaz's new album The Lie That Matches the Furniture (as I've said before) is really quite perfect. They are phenomenal live.

Community Board 2 suggests that NYU locate one or more secondary campuses outside the Village and in, say, Long Island City or Williamsburg or Greenpoint. Oh, won't that be fun

Will someone who is craftier than I am please explain to me why my site flips me the bird when I click on the masthead links in Firefox?

Greg, an old friend and also one of the few Republicans who deigns to speak to me, makes some interesting points about the Dubai Du-bacle (get it?)

The Laird of Guynd on his wife-cousin's sort-of unflattering memoir: "...from what I've read so far there's nothing that causes me acute grief."

Nothing to see here, move along!

God, considering Trevor Butterworth's name and lasting power, he should be a porn star, not writing articles about blogs for the Financial Times. It took me two colossal bowel movements to finish reading this particular treatise. Thank heavens for wheatgrass juice.

But there's still time for him. Look at Max Hardcore!

Mutant Chicken Grows Alligator-like Teeth!!!

Tonight is the two-year anniversary of How to Kick People, and apparently, for this auspicious occasion, Bob and Todd "will die for you," maybe even like GG Allin never did. Anyhow, you should be there, even though they've somehow become aligned with the evil forces of TicketWeb

It's time for everyone (including me) to go to PS1 to see the Ricky Swallow and Jessica Stockholder shows

Haiku: If Liars played
in our own backyard,
we wouldn’t
open a window.

Michael Curtis Reynolds: Not a mercenary, either

I sent my dad the article about Farrell's and he wrote back, "Danny was one of the guys who we hung out with at Farrell's when we were underage, but had fake draft cards. I realize now that he never left the bar."

I said, "Gimme summa dat, what you're suckin' on"

I am heading off to the hinterlands to bark at the moon, drink beer, shoot guns, go off-roadin', and maybe do a little antiquing. To commemorate the occasion, and this fabulous photo that Lentz sent me, here is my favorite Zappa song, Titties and Beer.

Maud on Reds in the Red States, breaking down stereotypes, and why sometimes Northern limousine-liberal types should just STFU (ok, that last part is mostly my sentiment): His tone suggested I might've confused communism with snake-handling.

Kelly Stoltz - "Below The Branches" / Invisible Eyes "Laugh In The Dark"

It’s time once again to dive into the pile of review possibilities and see what we come up with. Today we’re gonna be exploring the twin poles of psychedelia. Grab your thorazine, kids, and let’s go!

As an update to America's newest terrist, we have this startling revalation: "An FBI official in Washington DC said the agency has since concluded that 47-year-old Michael Reynolds might be mentally ill..." Jesus, ya think?

Another installment of The Smug Superiority Show with Bill and Dana

I've managed to offend left- and right-wingers this week. Quite an accomplishment. Like Joni Mitchell I'm comin' at ya FROM BOTH SIDES NOW MUTHAFUCKAS. I'm really glad that bmarkey has returned from vacation to discuss things with his signature bmarkey Levelheadedness©, bringin' some peace hereabouts finally. (Suffice it to say, if I had to tackle the topic of psychedelic music, Roky Erikson would come out of hiding long enough to snatch me bald.)

Meanwhile, Bill and I have a news item to discuss: Undercover detectives in northern Virginia's Spotsylvania County have their sheriff's blessing to receive sexual services at massage parlors so they can catch suspects in the act.

This proves two things: a) There are approximately seven men named Dolph in the world and b) they are all bullies

To quote the Baffler: Interns built the pyramids. Ugh. [Via]

As Bill said in response to this hed, "I'm pretty sure the chances are 100% and you don't need a test for it."

Boo! PowerHouse Books is being evicted!

Because I'm too busy being a cryptobigot, Blogebrity beat me to this one, but Clive, dude: Five articles about blogging and not one mention of Dave Winer? Better sleep with one eye open from now on! (Oh, and also? What is up with those photos? Oxfeld looks like Kurtz in Apocalypse Now)

Vidiot raises a lot of good questions about the whole Cheney quail hunting accident

Student finds toilet water cleaner than ice at fast food restaurants [Thanks!]

Jim Hanas has posted a piece of his own "speculative" fiction, and you should go read it

Because it is bitter, and because it is my nougat-filled heart

As far as Valentine's Day goes, it's not so bad a holiday. I like pink and red, and I like candy. What I like best about it, though, is that it is a bookend to the litany of Eating Holidays that begin with Thanksgiving and don't fucking end until, well, today.

The thing I realized about Valentine's Day, though, is that while we have all these holidays that are meant to commemorate and celebrate our special loved ones, there aren't really any devoted to the folks who have driven us to murderous rage. Thus begat the Anti-Valentine Invitational, where I asked a number of friends whose writing (and freak-magneting) skill I admire to pen an Anti-Valentine to an unloved one, Platonic or otherwise.

Fuck Northwest

How to make a thought screen helmet

If you're a bisexual teenager in NYC, no one cares when you end up dismembered

We have seen the enemy

Those of you who know me also know that in person I'm pretty politically charged. Those of you who know me only via this blog probably consider me fairly apolitical. It's because I'm almost too tired to bother with politics on here anymore.

But let's talk about Michael Curtis Reynolds, of Wilkes Barre, PA, for a moment. Now with delicious updates!

Download the entire remastered Artistic Decline record [Via]

"Hit" songs unpredictable, thanks to peer pressure (and, for the record, #1HS unpredictable, thanks to bourbon)

Last week I tossed aside that gay-ass Times glossy sports supplement, but I'm glad I didn't throw it away before reading this article about the upcoming Roma-Lazio match

Aha! It's caused by jerking off too much, isn't it! [Via]

My friend Phil Campbell is performing in Point Break Live! and you can too! [The premise is that every night, they select an audience member to perform Keanu Reeves' role. Ponchos and moist towlettes are also involved.] It opens tonite, at Galapagos Art Space

Lisa Carver, The #1HS Interview

Lisa Carver is a pioneer in many fields: a musical visionary, she is the founder of the infamous art-music-experience Suckdog, the publisher of the highly regarded 'zine Rollerderby, and a noted author and cultural critic.

Soi Disantra blogs the Grammys: "I don't mind Allison Krauss. She keeps releasing albums, I keep having birthday/ Hanukkah gifts for my stepmom."

Mr. Sanneh, back the fuck away from my beloved music or I will pay the living members of Poison Idea to crush you to death

I wonder if the Freepers ever suspected the Bush White House would come after them, too?

Ladies and gentlemen, The Wangcaster [Thanks, Chris]

Gopnik on the magical austerity of the Shakers

Are cartoon protesters unwitting puppets?

Damned scientists: Vintage or vile, wine is all the same after cheese [Thanks, Russell]

Origins of HIV Traced [Possibly] to Chimps in Cameroon (Go read this now)

I'll finally have the strength to say, once and for all, FUCK YOU, CLOWN-for only 1500 bucks! [Thanks, Tom]

Does "Dateline" Go Too Far "To Catch A Predator?" (Do we even need to trot out the old "1. Pederasts 2. On TV 3. ??? 4. PROFIT!!!"? Well, we just did)

I think the tagline should instead read "Pirated software is like getting a freebie from a hooker who has one or two good qualities at best" [Via]

I haven't seen Dangerous Men: The Movie yet, but I'm fairly certain that we all need to. [Thanks, Tom]

Here's a sentence you don't read every day: "They're going to have to pry my monkey from my cold, dead hand."

Spoonbender's right. Who needs anything else when you have The Iron Maiden Commentary?

Michel Houellebecq's "predictably pornographic" new book, The Possibility of an Island, is slated for US publication in May. Meanwhile, some Germans took Elementary Particles and made what is hopefully a predictably pornographic movie

Ken Russell's Teddy Girls [Via]

I'm late to this spectacle, but I'd just like to go on record as saying that Evan Vucci should get a Pulitzer for this photo [Via]

"We are a very responsible company and we have been working on this systematically," said [Exxon] spokes-woman Prem Nair. "Now, watch this drive."

Elizabeth Hayt, you were raped by Santa Claus, surprise

It's official: Warren St. John finally realizes there's no JT Leroy [Via Maud, who tolerates my JT obsession like I tolerate her Twain obsession]

Neuroscientists on the Superbowl ads

Was the Iceman shooting blanks? [Via]

Annie Proulx on the adaptation of Brokeback Mountain: "The characters roared back into my mind, larger and stronger than they had ever been....film can be more powerful than the written word."

Pop quiz! If your "pink jelly mules, a string of fairy lights covered by little globes, [and] tarot deck" go missing, do you really think it's by accident? (Bonus: How many hours between the time this was published and the moment the relationship truly imploded?)

Just in time for Women's History Month: A New Hair Removal Device

Although I receive reviewer’s copies of books and records, I’ve rarely been offered anything fancy or practical, like—hint hint—fine wines or All-Clad cookware. However, a friend of mine, noting that I am an adventurous, hirsute woman with a high tolerance for pain, and having in her possession a number of Philips Norelco Satin Ice Epilators to unload (read: focus group), offered me one and told me to take it for a test drive.

Liveblogging the Super Bowl!

As if. We are watching the Full-Tilt Poker.net Invitational Live Thanksgiving at Monaco, and it's fantastic. It's really plodding and uncomfortable. And they're all wearing tuxedos, something that is apparently de rigeur for this particular arena, so as the evening progresses, their bodies are sweating and rejecting the monkeysuits like they're George Best's liver. Imagine your high school AV squad wearing tuxedos. Yeah.

Except for Dave Ulliott, who is my favorite poker player. With a thuggish, winking air, and a raised eyebrow at all times, he looks like he could be a stand-in for Terrence Stamp. The man has seven children, he wears two gold knuckle rings, and his expression says he'd just as soon gouge your eye out with a grapefruit spoon as look at you.

Whoa: The Reverend Jim Jones and the People's Temple mp3s, on the WFMU blog

This guy wants to singlehandedly create a "Japantown" in LIC and I, for one, would welcome a Mitsuwa wholeheartedly

An story that renews my (wavering) faith in unions: Workers unionize at Footco

RIP Betty Friedan

Ladies and gentlemen, your laugh of the day: "Annie Leibovitz, Stephin Merritt, City Council Speaker Christine Quinn. Ethnically, economically, it's pretty diverse."

Borough Park to Public School Kids: Auslander raus!

I just know that this guy's whole raison d'etre was to avenge all the atomic wedgies he suffered in junior high. You can bet all his World of Warcraft buddies are proud

Personally I think "Bowling for Cuntcheson" sounds like a great story

A fatwa on everyone at Thursday Styles for publishing a story containing the following: "But the jeans fit. At $98, I practically made money by buying them."

Just in time for Valentines Day, the USB Vibrator! [Via]

RIP Pig Champion [Download some Poison Idea mp3s here. My god, file sharing IS killing the industry!]

The Smug Superiority Show with Dana and Bill

Occasionally my friend Bill and I will have long email conversations about a vaguely topical news tidbit or something related to his home state of Missouri.

Talk about a cornucopia, that.

I often remark that we could get a show on Brooklyn Public Access on which we sit in front of a purple satin curtain and smoke and drink beer and insult hapless people whose misfortune has been documented in the newspapers. Some of these people will be heads of state, don't get me wrong.

The ULA thinks they can sniff out literary bullshit, except for when they can't, and they try to cover up the evidence (and oh, the indignity of being fooled by a homo!)

If eight boys accuse you of molesting them while they're in custody, you pretty much go out of your own way to "make a spectacle of yourself"