For the last freakin' time, people: No evidence of a new HIV superbug, no matter how much the Post wants there to be.

Eleventh-hour lawsuit filed to hopefully prevent the "capricious" renovation of Washington Square Park

Falling Down, Italian style

Genovese family capo (and 20 others) indicted:

Matty the Horse has been around so long, nobody in law enforcement is sure how he got his nickname — so FBI agents asked him yesterday. "I have had it since I'm a kid," he said...."When they went to Matty's house he obviously had been asleep in an easy chair and the credits were just rolling up on the Godfather Part III," said a federal law-enforcement official.

Laides and 1/2-Nelsons, it's time for this week's Don'ts and Don'ts!

The man told officers that he had been following rail tracks towards Southern Alabama in his attempts to find the house. After locating the house, his next quest was to find an ocean, because he had never seen one.

Free genius: "Thriller," the new Witches On Parade album. Git'r done!

My mother was right: Weeds make for criminal activity!

Aeronout Mik, "Refraction"

Aernout Mik's "Refraction" is a video installation that bends across a wall. There are a couple of benches for viewers, but they're not ideally situated; one's off to the side, and the other is sort of far away, with a partially obstructed sightline. And so, watching Refraction, you become a rubbernecker like all the rubberneckers in Mik's video, which takes place at the scene of a traffic accident: standing there uncomfortably, waiting for something to happen; straining around obstacles to see whatever there is to see.

Touching Monkey [Via]

L.I.C. Bar: A saloon so good it could make you forget you're in Queens: Can we fucking retire this trope once and for all, assholes?

Model Vs Photographer [Via MeFi]

A girl robot!

Bad week for campers, eh?

Yonkers man eaten alive by maggots!!!

Here's a thought

Could David Morrell be John Twelve Hawks?

The Old Hag gets props from Forbes! And Maud too!

A spokeswoman for New York City Transit said the agency was not aware that free rides were part of the NYPD anti-terror effort. "We will be discussing that with them," she said.

The official CODEX SERAPHINIANVS website! [Via]

"We consider that the advert is in danger of implying that the drink may bring sexual/social success..." Where is the problem?

Jesus Christ man, if you're going to lob a brick at someone, don't aim at the barman!

Much funnier than the Hugh Grant Vehicle

A friend from England just sent a cameraphone pic of a dry-erase board in Notting Hill Gate tube station.

[Wow, Gawker and I must have the same friend!]

I.M. Pie

I like to make pies. This is mostly because I like to eat pies. But it's also because making pie crust is the closest I get to meditation.

Woo-hoo! bmarkey's Kinski review got linked on Sub Pop. We are breaking open a bottle of Champipple as we speak.

Pass me down my shootin' iron: The Queens 50 - A Pre-Gentrification To-Do List

Look! I'm a terrorism expert

A wonderful tale about the nicest cabbie in NY: Words fall out of my head

Monkey washing a cat (Thanks Alex!)

Gigantic carnivorous mice are driving the albatross to extinction (and Jesus, look at that photo)

Cats may not like sweets, but my cat can eat a whole watermelon.

Kinski, Master Musicians of Bukkake, Charming Snakes @ The Crocodile Café, Seattle 7/23/05

Ah, The Croc. I was working a benefit show there last summer, when an obvious tourist came up to the guy at the door and asked him if this was the grunge club and if so, could he look around. We laughed at the poor shmoe, but in a way it was indeed the grunge club, along with the OK Hotel, RCKCNDY, The Offramp, The Vogue, etc., etc. (I personally have seen both Mudhoney and Pearl Jam there, although both shows took place long after the g-word had been dead and buried and the grave danced upon.)

Ha! Metafilter featured in this week's Six Feet Under

Ink-jet printers: The key to winning the war on terror

Spaceeba! Russia's Biggest Spammer Brutally Murdered in Apartment

Because NY Magazine is a ass, they managed to write an entire column about how craigslist has changed New York without mentioning the ever-useful Missed Connections or Casual Encounters sections of the site. (Or the craigslist URL, for that matter.)

M-E-T-H-O-D

I surround myself with ambition: Maud Newton's got a book review in the Times and another friend has managed to do the impossible and write a Modern Love column that doesn't suck. And I was sitting at a table with the both of 'em at the Water Taxi Beach on Saturday night. I've always imagined being in the presence of two Times writers, but I assumed that it would be Ariel Kaminer and Deborah Solomon, and that there would be a cattleprod involved.

The One-Eyed Undertaker

The One-Eyed Undertaker is the nom-de-plume of a friend who works as an undertaker-cum-"catch-all" at his family's funeral home. It's a fascinating line of work--certainly one that's had a lot of interest from the media these days--and it's even more interesting because he's a great storyteller. If I didn't want to be dumped in the Thames when I died, I'd certainly use his services.

Planet of the Retired Apes: Travels among monkey retirees.

How a Trip to Film in Iraq Ended in a Military Jail Cell

Who knew that Billboard gave a shit about the Silver Jews?

Things to do

There's so much stuff to do this weekend. Will I do any of it? Signs point to no. But you should.

Torben Wigger, pioneer promoter of footbag in Europe.

Well, that shut ME up: Polanski wins libel case against Vanity Fair

This week's Don'ts and Don'ts, my new favorite thing about Fridays, aside from the drinking.

Fuck a Fox: Family suing reality TV show over repairs

If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel

Summer has hit full stride and I am now able to enjoy heat rash and airless subway platform agony in earnest. And now I can enjoy even more of the latter, what with this genius move on the part of the police. A confidential to all the aspiring suicide bombers out there: I'd like to direct you to the Vernon/Jackson 7 train stop, where no one was there to check MY bag this morning. Because clearly the station stop that precedes the East River tunnel and Grand Central Station isn't high up on the watchlist. No, the cops would prefer to examine the bags of the folks who are entering the subway at Grand Central. It's obvious to everyone, isn't it? All suicide bombers are coming in on the 8:37 from Scarsdale.

I know I shouldn't complain, as I don't want anyone rifling through my satchel. I don't like the idea of anyone's bags being searched, frankly. And if they finally install cops at Vernon/Jackson I may take to carrying around used maxipads, just for fun. (How is everyone's delivery service going to make it across the river to Williamsburg?)

This is totally how I'd go: Inmate on Death Row suspected of taking lethal injection of heroin [Via]

Robert Birnbaum interviews Ian McEwan

Monkeys Get Intermediate Grade on Mirror Test

"Roman's Law of Morality"

Wow, someone else who shares my kink: "Beat me with baseball bats, aerate my intestines and now take away the one thing I have left: my mouth."

Get Thee Behind Me, Jesus!

Are you reading the four-part Salon thing about homosexual reprogramming? You've gotta read today's piece, Getting straight with God, which profiles Rev. J. Grace Harley, recovered drag king and crack addict:

The good reverend tells us the best way to overcome our own homosexuality is to imagine Jesus as a gay man. "The love and the passion that you feel for another of the same sex, try to see Jesus and try to give him that same passion and love and desire," she says. "He can handle it. He takes it, and he will rework it and give you the deepest, greatest love affair." She whispers: "Jesus is a man. What if he were a gay man and he desired you, and he wanted your body totally for himself? Whoa! What if?"

Write what you know.

Those jackanapes over at Gawker snuck in and made an (un-noted) correction, but here's a screengrab of an error that was made this morning. Kids, remember: Michael Chabon != Jonathan Cheban.

Edited to add: Rough day at the office, eh? Does an "entrepaneur" run some sorta upstart Open-Your-Third-Eye Institute?

Confession: I always used to get Huey Newton and Huey Long confused in history class.

The Hoarding of Animals Research Consortium

The new toilet at work

Dang. UK bans magic mushrooms

In 1305, the dignitaries of Oxford University petitioned King Edward I at his Parliament for permission to deal with the increasing problem of prostitutes who were harassing their students.

From my lips to Eric Gioia's...ears

Warning: Of moderate interest to +/- .002% of my readers

Well, it took a little elbow (and anal) grease, but hey, it looks like cleaner streets might be coming to LIC.

In 2003, 22 out of 1,000 girls ages 15 to 17 gave birth. In 1991, the rate was 39 girls out of 1,000. Also, the rate of obesity among children increased to 16%, up from 11% in the late 1980s and early 1990s, which I (as an expert statistician) interpret to mean that today's youth are not attractive enough to get laid.

The most appalling question ever on AskMe: Could a chicken seviche be safe?

You got a pig that good you don't eat 'im all at once

In case you're interested, this is my pig. My results told me I was an emotionally stunted pessimist with a terrible sex life.

Draw-a-pig personality test

Innerestin: FreshDirect actually cheaper than other NYC supermarkets. If only they'd deliver to our block.

Police found about 80 [garden gnomes] stashed in black plastic bags and surrounded by youngsters on Saturday, but investigators don't think the children stole them.

NZ court fines man for unsafe sex

Who knew? Bruce Springsteen likes the Stone Roses

Why don't you want my television?

According to this WaPo article, Wilson says "...the Bush administration leaked his wife's name to diss him..." Is there an editorial strike going on that we're unaware of?

Drink Harry, drink 'til you can't drink no more

Something tells me that this insipid Modern Love article, a weekly column that's clearly the province of freelance writers who can't get published in Allure, will do more for the dismissed nanny's career than Helaine Olen's.

Why there'll never be a Russian David Sedaris [Via]

Wow, finally a non-sychophantic interview on Gothamist: Rick Ross, Cult Expert

John Twelve Hawks, "The Traveler"

The Traveler is more than just slick-as-spit commercial sci-fi. It's also one of the most courageously overhyped books of the year. With ads running on blogs that should know better (or care more), posters wheatpasted at every construction site in NYC (and God knows where else), an intitial print run of eleventy-bazillion, an apocryphal mystery man author, and a reported seven-figure advance, "The Traveler" could either be the next...whuzzat...DeVito Code?...or a bigger flop than Heaven's Gate and Waterworld put together.

One bomber's tale: A profile of a would-be Chechen suicide bomber

When an Explanation Doesn't Explain Enough: NYT ombudsman plays CYA

4.5 million South Africans now carry HIV

The Hill Cumorah Pageant, the Mormon excuse to indulge their inner gay

This week's Don'ts and Don'ts...it's like this shit writes itself, dunnit?

Santorum's Communications Director: "I have TEH GAY!"

The "Arabic Assassin" Fired As Baggage Screener--check out his phat beatz here.

I can smell it/I can taste it/give it to me/I won't waste it

Tattoo You

In an unrelated google search I came across the (A&E-sponsored) InkedblogINKED Quiz. After you answer a couple simplistic questions, they give you a PDF of the tattoos that perfectly suit your personality.

Way to go, New York! 26% of Births in City Are Caesarean Deliveries, Study Says

Go out and get 'em: GAZZA PUNCHES HIS DAD IN FACE [Via]

Beer & Porn & Guns & Manicures

Solar-powered garbage cans a go in Queens

Whoo-hoo! N.Y. Authorizes Out-Of-State Wine Shipments

Happy Birthday, telescreen!

Jimmy Beck on submitting one's work: Litmags are like the giant panda

"Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus"

A lot of folks romanticize the South--particularly those who've never been there. It's hard not to. You have its artistic history--high lonesome sound, Flannery O'Connor, Howard Finster--and its old-fashioned religion. You have its families, seemingly all fallen gentry and rednecks who inhabit a secret world of Good and Evil and can tell stories about both. Even its geography is romantic, with its foggy mountains and hollers at one end and sinister, murky swamps with low-hanging Spanish moss on the other end--all connected by roads and highways lined by farms, truck stops, and roadside prophet churches. Waves of heat rise off the macadam.

Pack your bags: French give away 400,000 bottles of wine

Jesus Gonna Be Here

Tonight I have the pleasure of seeing Searching for the Wrong Eyed Jesus, a documentary by Andrew Douglas and musician Jim White that "examines the meaning and consequence of religion for people who were born and raised in poor Southern communities." I love the way British folks regard American culture...we all end up looking like trained circus bears. Not unjustifiably. Anyhow, I'm eager to see SWEJ, having already listened to the soundtrack, which includes the stylings of proper Southern Gothic folks like The Handsome Family, 16 HP, Trailer Bride's Melissa Swingle, and my lord and savior Harry Crews.

I hope to have a review up tomorrow. And maybe another unrelated review. In the meantime, have you read bmarkey's review of Spoon's latest? Please do.

"She's not sunbathing. She's dead."

May you be forever touched by His Noodly Appendage [Via]

'P. Diddy' resolves Random House suit

Fan Files Lawsuit Against Gallagher

Head of BBC TV News: Fox News is "beneath contempt."

Sitting here in Queens, eating refried beans

Occasionally, living in Queens has its benefits: Water Taxi Beach. Like Paris Plage, only with ugly people.

"Pass-out game"? We always called it "pulling a Hutchence."

How many poker puns can you count in this piece?

Nude woman is found dead at church: Not a parishoner!

Preppy Killer, ever the gentleman, even on his way to sentencing: "[On the subway,] he helped round up three young children of a pregnant woman who had fainted in the heat."

Summer beer... makes me feel fine... [Thanks tizzie!]

Spoon - "Gimme Fiction"

Minimalism, taken to its logical extreme, often ends up folding in upon itself. Eventually you’re left with the sound of nothing happening - entropy, if you will. And that’s fairly hard to dance to. This is where Spoon come in. Their stripped-down indie-pop and Motown-esque funk (yep, that’s right), as featured on Gimme Fiction, will let you shake your ass to the heat death of the universe.

Can’t ask for much more than that, now, can ya?

Get this: Child abuse and other forms of violence involving families fell by more than half between 1993 and 2002

Parkinson's Treatment Linked to Compulsive Gambling

Bacon Mayonnaise. You heard me.

Great online compilation of songs of Virginia tragedies

Whoohoo! Some Minutemen rarities

Lingerie for cows

Picking and screaming

There was some photobooth action at the party on Saturday...

Finally! The Shoes of the Iceman!

"If she ain't white and cute, we don't give a hoot."

Watershed discovery: U.S. workers say they waste 2 hours a day

Sure, San Franciscans get the cheap, fresh produce, the temperate climate, and now Burritoeater, a searchable burrito database. [Via]

Submitted without comment--Found: Birkin bag in cab[Thanks T!]

Jessica Alba: No monkeys or nudity

I could've danced all night

As you can see from this photo, a reasonably fun time was had by all this weekend at our Official Elopement Party at the the esteemed LIC Bar. Drinks were consumed, spicy food and Tres Leches cake were eaten, and photos were taken, although the Great Leader is the only one who got his act together to upload photos to Flickr.

Look! It's Joan Rivers!

The Sun's in my Heart and I'm Ready for Love

Setting: Our Hallway
Dramatis personae: Me and N

N: It's teeming out there.

Me: Let's take the big umbrellas. [Reaches into the bag closet and takes closest umbrella, which is black.]

N: [Looks at remaining umbrella, which is light blue.] Why don't you take that umbrella and I'll take the black umbrella?

Me: Why?

N: Because the blue umbrella is GAY, that's why.

Me: There's no such thing as a gay umbrella. Why shouldn't I use the black umbrella?

N: [Pauses.] Because the blue umbrella is... prettier?

[Exeunt]

Wow, I've finally met a drink I don't like

Thank God! CORRECTION: The Def Leppard/Bryan Adams show at KeySpan Park in Brooklyn tomorrow is not sold out. Because of an editing error, the ticket status was incorrect in the Big Gigs in yesterday's Part 2.

Second installation of ToTC's Don'ts and Don'ts

Dana Adam Shapiro, "The Every Boy"

Open the contemporary novel, any contemporary novel, and you’ll likely be met by an army of preternaturally intelligent children. Defined by a certain otherworldly worldliness, they cannot fail to charm us with their exceptional wit, creepy nascent adulthood, and uncommon ability to read the hidden intentions of witless grown-ups. Dana Adam Shapiro’s "The Every Boy" is no exception to the new rule—no kid can ever just be normal.

Chris Martin of Kinski - The #1HS Interview

In which we talk about Kinski’s new album, Alpine Static; the benefits and perils of structure; GarageBand vs. garage bands; and “Krautrock for Dummies”. Among other things.

Kinski - "Alpine Static"

Kinski? No. Well, sorta, but no, not really. Kinski? Nope. Kinsey? OK, now you’re not even trying.

Kinski, my friends, is a band from Seattle, consisting of Chris Martin on guitar, Lucy Atkinson on bass, Matthew Reid-Schwartz on guitar and flute, and Barrett Wilke on drums. And before you run off at the mouth with an ill-advised use of the g-word*, let me assure you that they ain’t one of those. What they are is less easy to pin down. Rock & roll, to be sure, but that covers a wide variety of sins, as they say. They’re somewhere between psychedelia and experimental music. For lack of a better term, let’s call it “art garage”. That’ll work as well as anything else.

Furries vs. Furverts! [Thanks, Neal]

Fetching terrier killed when firecracker explodes in mouth

Ted Kaczynski: Expert on dwarves

How fucking romantic: I can't marry you ?

Terrible.

The attacks in London are incredibly distressing. N and I hope to hear from people we care about who live there. In the meantime, I keep checking the news and the Flickr London Bomb Blasts Pool, the latter of which is providing some interesting eyewitness photo photography.

Also: Mayor Ken Livingstone's statement.

Eyewitness accounts here.

A Timely Reminder

Hey kids – time is running out on the amazing Sleater-Kinney give-away, so get your entries in ASAP. For those of you unaware, or too shy to pull the trigger until now, let me recap: send in your very best Sleater-Kinney story, in 250 words or less, to willreview4foodATgmailDOTcom by 12:01 AM (Pacific Time) July 9, and you could win a copy of the band’s new album The Woods, which kicks large amounts of ass without breaking a sweat. What is a Sleater-Kinney story? Maybe it’s about the time you got mugged and Corin provided first aid and let you use her cell phone; maybe it’s about how Carrie pulled your kitten out of a tree; maybe Janet co-signed your school loan. Could be anything. I hereby give you carte blanche to go nuts. Make shit up, I don’t care. I’m giving away a free CD. I will pay the shipping. You have nothing to lose, and an hour’s worth of great music to gain.