That's Why We Only Work When We Need the Money

Fack, d00d, I've been on "vacation" for two days now and I haven't done anything. This is my day:

• Get up only when the cat's imploring, hungry yowls become unbearable


• Make coffee in dirty coffee pot, pour coffee into dirty coffee mug


• Worry about the bacterial infections one can get from said coffee mug


• Stare at computer for 6 hours, naked


• Eat dry cereal from box, with cat


• When N arrives, pretend that's *not* what I spent my day doing

Oh, also, I went to see Shy Child the other night. Can I just say? they're really fucking good. Don't let the guit-keyboard (keyboarditar?) turn you off. Apparently I've seen them before but I don't remember, because (wait for it...) I was drunk.

Last night, after How to Kick People (plug, plug), we went to Union Pool. All was fine and dandy until the rain came down. Hipsters went running in all directions, as though a little extra water was gonna ruin their PBRs, make their little t-shirts get even tinier.

See?

Hello Room Service?

The best hotel name EVAR!

I Bought Myself a Codpiece, I Bought it C.O.D.

That Fashionable Bulge: A Brief History of the Codpiece:

Arising in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries as a result of the dilemma concerning how to cover a man's fruit basket when doublets (jackets) become shorter, the codpiece eventually became an elaborate, yet functional, part of men's clothing.

Blood Food

Scientists at the Voronezh State Technological Academy have developed a method for processing blood and turning it into food products such as milk, yogurt, chocolate, and coffee.

I Wanna See a Homosexual

Tomorrow night! The Homosexuals play Tommy's Tavern in Greenpoint. Whoooooo!

This Blows My Got-Damn Mind

Chest Out, Stomach In:

"Anyone wearing a uniform is eligible," Dr. Bob Lyons, the chief of plastic surgery at Brooke Army Medical Center, said recently, in his office in San Antonio. It is true: personnel in all four branches of the military and members of their immediate families can get face-lifts, nose jobs, breast enlargements, liposuction, or any other kind of elective cosmetic alteration, at taxpayer expense.

Do not fuck with the Maud Newton

Since I'm not a book critic nor a contributing member of polite society, I don't feel guilty for saying that Harry Siegel and Sam Munson can choke on a bucket of dicks.

Seriously, gentlemen.

What it all comes down to

...is that the girl who tap-danced on the bar and let you grab her titties in college will grow up, become a Libertarian, give birth, and name that child something even the Mormons would find funny.

Good lord.

I ::heart:: the newswires, part 78

American Greetings launches new Poster Gallery

Baby boomers will get a kick out of the sarcastic sequel to the famous “hang in there” kitten poster from the ‘60s. The new version asks the question: “Just how long am I supposed to hang in there anyway?” The cute little kitten has morphed into a stressed out cat with bulging eyes and more than a little attitude.

Another poster offers a funny antidote to the stresses of work with a hilarious photograph of a chimp on a skateboard, all dolled up in a T-shirt and shorts with the statement: “I love hard work. Heck, I could sit and watch people do it all day long!”

While everyone enjoys a good laugh, sometimes, inspiration offers the best way to get through the day.

Despair and Ice Cream

I'm sure I'm not the only one who found The New York Times Magazine cover story depressing, or disturbing, or a combination thereof. What was it, exactly, that put me into a debilitating funk after reading it? The fear that this could describe me (nah, couldn't possibly)? Or the bathos of the people profiled? Or maybe the sneaking suspicion that I *am* like that and no one will tell me? Jesus.

What if properly filling out an interlibrary request form is as good as it gets?

There was something else I wanted to write about this weekend but I've forgotten. (No joke. The green ones make you smaller.)

Oh, and here's another song for you (well, actually, it's for N, who requested it personally): I Got 5 On It, by Luniz.

Anyone else got any requests?

Friday, I'm in Debt

I'm coming up for air from another week-long working vacation. Right now I'm doing this top-secret project that is draining the lifeforce out of my carapace. If it weren't making me so filthy rich, I might think twice about it.

Anyhow, so first up, tonight at Trash is a show you can't miss. Well, you *could* miss it, but you'd rue it. Anyhow. The Live Ones and Crimson Sweet are playing, as well as Thee Eyes and the Electric. Show starts at 9:30. It will rock.

OK, so a roundup of linky goodness.
Possible Follow-Up Songs for One-Hit Wonders, at McSweeneys. ("How Are We Going to Get These Dogs Back In?" HA!) Via Jonno, whose hunky boyfriend has some additional suggestions.

Over at Atomly, Holy Jesus:

i can only imagine what this would do to you.
sausage crust.
sausage topped with sauce, topped with cheese, topped with sausage.
"it's like a snake eating its tail."
"ouroborous?"
"i don't know what that word means."

Finally, I feel guilty being away, so of course Daddy's brought you a present: a mashup of 50 Cent and Billy Squier. Yes!!!

Have a great weekend.

BLT Candles

Oh. Oh my. (Thanks, TF-J!)

Hubba Bubba

{Gum Blondes} is kinda cool.

Ya think?

I love deadpan heds.

Odor May Be Clue to Missing Airport Fish:

A strong odor led airline officials to what they believe is the 40 pounds of halibut a traveler reported missing from his checked bags two weeks ago.

Brenee Davis, a general manager for Continental Airlines in Anchorage, said the company's baggage handlers discovered "a ton of rotting fish" under a luggage conveyor belt recently at Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport.

Watch Out! Baby Who's That?

Over at ;0, management has sent out another memo:

management is aware that some employees have fed the "monkeys" on their "backs" under the radar by drinking their "liquid life" out of thermoses, while others have flaunted our new guidelines indiscriminantly, despite the knowledge that they exist for their own benefit.
so we have divised a modified step-by-step plan, under the name of "step-off(ee) coffee".

Grudge match: Toni Schlesinger vs. Deborah Solomon

(Jesus, can I freaking spell?)
Ok, maybe it's just because I'm supremely hungover, but this is fucking hilarious.

TS: This strikes me as a good room to kill a parrot in. No fuss, no muss. Ever lie facedown on a webbed hammock and try to eat a taco through the gaps in the webbing? This neighborhood has mediocre tacos. They're all made with 7-grain shells. Anyway, you could hang one right here. A hammock. This doorknob wants to be "civil war" era, but really screams Restoration Hardware. Anyway, you could pass gas next to this aquarium, and this window over here would serve as your accomplice. The shade makes it look like it's winking at you. It's saying, "I can keep a secret. I can keep a secret." I hate pewter chalices. But I can't stop buying them. I may join the circus. I may not.
DS: Did I even ask you a question yet? No. Kindly shut the fuck up.

I'm terribly disappointed

And I thought I knew you, Karl: Karl Malone's federal campaign contributions.

piPod

This is terribly cool: piPod. A downloadable list of pizzerias in the 5 boroughs...for your iPod. Neato!

Here's to You, Muffin Witchwood

Way to go, Ana Marie! (third item)

I can't wait to tell my mother that yes, indeed, one can get famous by talking about tits and assfucking.

Cable Modem!!!!

Whoa. I finally broke down and got a cable modem for freelance-related reasons (hence the lack of bloggage of late) and wow. Just wow.

So I'm supposed to be doing work. Lots of it. Tons, in fact. But instead?

PORN! PORN! PORN! PORN!

You had "YYZ" tattooed on your arm

Over on LA Missed Connections: ((RUSH CONCERT)) Girl with Polo Sweater (pink) by the restrooms

Dude, let's hope she sees this! There couldn't have been more than a handful of girls there.

Pho Good it Hurts

I love noodle pie. It's written by a Brit expat in Vietnam, and he focuses on the food. A lot. Yum.
(via Fodors)

Yes, We Are Still Experiencing a Lull

But elsewhere, Pitchaya Sudbanthad has a fascinating account of the Hasidim in Brooklyn, so you should go read that.

In September 2003, Frimcha Hirsch and Elky Stern, two 16-year-old Hasidic girls, were asked by a parent to go out for some smoked fish. They never went to the market. Instead, they fled Brooklyn’s Borough Park for a bus at the Port Authority. Frimcha and Elky were going to run as far away as they could.

Where I come from, that means a free case of beer, eh?

Hollister judge horrified at finding a mouse in his beer:

"The first thing I did was scream in horror. Then I screamed in revulsion. Then I dropped to the ground, holding my head in my hands while I was still screaming.

"My wife ran in, holding our 1-year-old, and she started screaming and the baby was screaming because she didn't know what was wrong with me. It was five minutes before I could regain enough composure to say: 'Don't worry. I'm OK.'"

Housekeeping

N: Holding stack of porn DVDsI'm gonna throw these out.
Me: What? Why? You can't throw out porn. That's sacrilege.
N: They all suck, that's why.
Me: But I haven't seen all of the Asian one.
N: It's six hours long.
Me: Keep it.

Don't Be Gentle With Me

Vidiot posts some disquieting news:

Thirty percent -- more than 87 million people -- think that the First Amendment goes too far.

That's not all: 42% say the "press in America has too much freedom", while 41% disagree with the statement that "newspapers should be allowed to freely criticize the U.S. military."

Presumably Tiffany and Co. do not stock anything along the lines of "My Erstwhile Career Back"

It sends little bits of glee to my secret spot when I read total (rich) strangers wedding registries. Take, for example, Mira Sorvino's, over at Tiffany and Co. An $1100 candlestick? I don't think so, hon. Also, a $250 gravy boat? Judging by your husband's photo, I don't think you'll be needing anything other than a sterling silver pizza cutter.

Everyone say hi to Wheely Willy

Hi Willy.