Most of you will probably be flying here. Sea-Tac airport is about a twenty minute drive from here, provided there is no traffic. Sadly, there is almost always traffic nowadays, but you might get lucky. If you want to take a cab, you may want to think again. STITA Cabs have the exclusive Contract with the Port of Seattle for the taxi queue at the airport, and they don’t have the best reputation. If you absolutely insist on a taxi, I’ve had really good luck with Orange Cab. Really, though Shuttle Express is the way to go if you’re not renting a car. Just go down to their kiosk in the parking garage, tell them where you want to go, and you’ll be on your way within ten minutes, for the same price as a cab ride. Call them the day before you want to go back to the airport and they’ll come directly to your door. Be warned that if you have a morning flight, they will pick you up obscenely early.

I have spoken to people who’ve taken the bus from the airport. They all seem to have been gluttons for punishment. Our transit system is OK, but it can take a really long time to get anywhere, depending on the route you need. Unless you’re confining yourself to downtown, you’ll probably have to transfer at least once. Also, most routes shut down around 11:00 PM – midnight.

Your best bet, as far as I can see, is to rent a car if you’re going to be here any longer than a day or two and are not staying with friends/relatives. Even then, really. If you do so, there are a few things you will need to know:

1. Seattle is built on a series of hills that are more or less surrounded by water. We are not an island, but its damn close.

2. Nobody here knows how to drive. You may think I’m joking now, but once you’re down in the pudding you’ll see just how right I am. Turn signals are seen as an invasion of privacy – you don’t need to know where I’m going. People tend to space out at stoplights, stop signs, unregulated intersections, freeway onramps, freeway offramps, and anywhere from which Mt. Rainier can be seen.

3. Avoid freeways whenever possible. They were not built to handle anything like the amount of traffic they see daily. Also, see point #2.

4. If you’re going to be downtown, I strongly suggest you take the bus. Driving downtown will make you hate life. Too many cars on streets that are too small and very poorly signed. Also, see point #2. If you cannot avoid driving downtown, keep in mind the following mnemonic: Jesus Christ Made Seattle Under Protest.

5. Street and freeway signs are designed for the use of those who live here and know where they’re going. Trust me, you will get screwed over by the signage here at least once during your stay.

OK, now you’re in town. Where should you stay? Let me answer that question with a question: how the hell should I know? I live here, in a house – and before you ask, NO, you cannot crash on our couch. If you can, stay with relatives or friends. Just keep your stay brief – our homicide rate is low and we’d like to keep it that way. If couch surfing is not on the menu for you, here are some observations I’ve made regarding lodging in Seattle:

1. If you stay downtown, you are going to pay for it. It may go without saying but all the hotels downtown are way overpriced, and snooty about it to boot. If you don’t care about that sort of thing, knock yourself out.

2. The motels on Aurora Ave. may tempt you with their low prices. Do not be deceived. Most of them are, how shall we say, residential. There is a lot of business that gets conducted in them, virtually none of which gets taxed. Don't make me spell it out.

3. As far as I can tell, most of the places in the University District (aka the U District) are fairly reasonable. Also, I have a friend (hi, joolie!)who stayed in the Travelodge on 8th Ave., which is sort of downtown and sort of in Queen Anne, last year. I quote from a recent email: “It was very cheap for downtown and entirely adequate, although we saw rats in the parking lot and a crackhead roaming the halls, and there were some disturbing stains on the curtains. There was a fantastic view of the Space Needle from the hotel's (filthy) parking lot. Which, whatever, but it did make it seem very Seattle-y.”

Next time: what to do, and what not to do.