Movies
April 03, 2006
5 Comments

"Drawing Restraint 9," Matthew Barney

Before all you Matthew Barney acolytes start getting all huffy about any criticism of your own personal Jim Jones, lemme set a few things straight. Me, I kinda like him. First off, he's very handsome. (I think that more former models should become artists. Frankly, I'd like it if all artists--and this includes writers--were more attractive. I think there's a prejudice against good-looking artistes, and I want it to stop. Break through that glass ceiling, pretty folks! Don't be content with merely being more successful in all other aspects of life. Grab for that brass ring and maybe you can ride that pulchritude to the Biennale.)

Second: Vaseline + perineums? What's not to like?

However. Things may have changed. Our special correspondent AKS--once, by her own admission, a fan of MB--came back from the star-studded premiere of his new masterpiece, Drawing Restraint, with a rather sullied opinion of that handsome, greasy devil. Having a parched throat through the entire film, a film in which a tea ceremony features prominently, didn't help much.

A Japanese themed film? Review a la haiku!


Drawing Restraint 9
Matt Barney's masturbation
Bjork's haunting soundtrack

My throat aches with thirst
Animal hide kimonos
Vaseline tea time

Long and tedious
Hack each other to pieces
Two and a half hours

Bjork in the back--left
Blocking the door to fountain
Will she kick my ass?

I can't help but think
Are all these people engaged
Because I'm dozing

Party at Japan House
Bjork seems amiable yet
Unapproachable

Unless you're a fan
Or obsessed with Japanese
Save time and spare self

Posted by Dana at 09:26 AM

Comments

He's the Cremaster guy, right? I'm a pretentious art snob, myself, but even I gag a little at his stuff. Of course, I am "obsessed with Japanese". And I'm an enormous fan of Vaseline (most petroleum-based products, actually. It's kind of a hobby.) And when you think of it, Matthew Barney is why god made Netflix.

Posted by: jpoulos at April 3, 2006 10:44 AM

Amiable yet unapproachable would be one way to describe Bjork (second clip):
http://thegurglingcod.typepad.com/thegurglingcod/2006/04/best_final_four.html

Posted by: Fesser at April 3, 2006 12:06 PM

a fan I have been
Japanese obsessed I am
but I'll wait and rent

Posted by: russell at April 3, 2006 02:29 PM

Pretentious artiste
too obsessed with his own cock
Makes boring movies

Victim of a trap:
Pretty pictures don't bring depth
Nor does fucking Bjork.

Posted by: Vidiot at April 3, 2006 02:57 PM

Up with the haikus!! Down with the Barney!!!

Posted by: norma at April 3, 2006 06:02 PM