However, some of them will also be the types who get tattoos from door-to-door salesmen. It was Czeltic Girl and Vidiot who first hepped me to this moving tale:

Friday night, a man knocked on doors holding a tattoo gun and offering his services. Tamra Eason described the tool as homemade, but still agreed to pay for a tattoo. So did two other women in her apartment complex. "It was wrapped with black tape, had a pin underneath it, had fishing wire going through it, you could tell it was a homemade gun," Eason said.

With that, we began our discussion.

Me: I'm thinking that I made the wrong career choice somewhere. I should've become a grifter and moved to Missouri. I'm pretty sure I could just show up in some town and easily distract people by saying "LOOK! A UFO!" and then bop them on the head with a bat and relieve them of their valuables. I suppose that's not really grifting, though, is it. It's just straight-up mugging.

Bill: I imagine in Springfield there'd also be a pretty thriving trade in door-to-door liposuction. What I really loved about the article was the idea that you could just be sitting around the house doing nothing, and then, just 'cause someone knocks on your door and makes the offer, you think, Hey, yeah, let's get tattoos, like buying a candy bar from some kid doing a fund-raiser. Maybe it's just me, but I kinda thought people gave tattoos a little consideration before getting them, or at least were out and about and drunk as shit.

Me: Yeah, it's funny. I'd have to assume that he must have been one smooth talker. Or maybe he was preying on the dumbest folks he could find. The story doesn't mention how many doors he knocked on before he found those two ladies.

Bill: Seeing "one smooth talker," especially in a note that also includes the word "Springfield," immediately brings to mind the "Simpsons" episode about the monorail.

Me: Indeed. What exactly are those tattoos, anyhow? Are they supposed to be Chinese characters? Would you really trust a guy with a jailhouse tattoo gun in the middle of Springfield, MO, to know Chinese?

Bill: And probably if you live in Springfield and actually allow a door-to-door tattoo guy into your home, I'm guessing your own knowledge of Chinese is not so good. In fact, your own knowledge of English probably isn't too sharp either. Now, if he'd been trying to peddle Lynyrd Skynyrd album-coverart, they'd have run him out of town in no time.

Me: This reminds me of the fact that a guy I knew in high school* had a tattoo on his arm of one of those tough dudes from a Molly Hatchet record cover. Theoretically, this traveling tattoo salesman should've had all the Capricorn Records cover art under his belt.

*Ed note: I knew him while I was in high school but he was actually about 30. He was nicknamed Raven because he'd eat anything. Christ, if my parents only knew half of what I was doing.