Yes, while every hip parent can claim that by enlightening his little Elijah/Emmett/Eamon* with selections from his Rhino box sets he's somehow creating a special little snowflake, it still doesn't make for enjoyable reading for the rest of us. What'd they pay you, Pollack? A buck-fifty a word? How much would it take to make you stop?

What a novel idea, this "playing cool music for kids" stuff. You know who else figured that out? Belinda and Hova of Greasy Kid Stuff, on WFMU, 15 years ago, that's who.**

But in Neal Pollack's sphere of existence, simple concepts such as this don't exist until he invents them. This is why I'm gonna postulate that his forthcoming "memoir about parenthood" is also a primer on the topic of his philosophy of the world.

Oh, and as if totally neglecting to mention the fabulousness of Belinda and Hova wasn't enough, what really put a bee in my bonnet was the out-of-nowhere Dan Zanes dis. Tell you what, Neal: When you can get Rick Danko to return your calls, then we'll talk.

A funny thing happens when you try to mold your children to be miniature versions of yourself, Neal. They end up being golf-playing Republicans who listen to Dave Matthews.

*Incidentally, there's a corollary to be made for naming your child Elijah/Emmett/Eamon: Do you come from a family of sea-faring prophets? No? What the hell's wrong with Eric, then? Frank? Steve?
**And also? Everyone's dad on the planet who wasn't too busy downing the Schlitz and porking the secretary, that's who.