And now I know how Joan of Arc felt...

You know what sucks? Like, okay, you have some really big dreams, which you manage to quash by a) taking every drug you can get your hands on and b) not being very talented, but that doesn't stop you from deciding: "I am going to have a Five-Year Plan, and at the end of those five years, I am going to go out in such a spectacular fashion that no one will forget me."

And so then, the fabled day arrives. And believing that (as Don McClean sang) the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you, you cook up and inject the motherlode of all fixes, and ascend to the Golden Shooting Parlor in the Sky. Your status as Punk Rock God is cemented!

And then, the next day, the goddamned Millionaire Jesus of Hippies has to go and get himself killed.

And poof! Like that, the acme of your Five-Year Plan is destroyed.

I hereby declare December 8 to be National It-Sucks-To-Be-Darby-Crash Day.

Anyhow, I'm sure you've heard about this Darby Crash biopic that's been in postpostpostproduction for about two years now called What We Do Is Secret, which I think is a sadly ironic choice for a title, given that what the Germs did was suck and it weren't no big secret. If I had to employ the Song Title Nomenclature Rule, I would've chosen "Throw It Away," but that's why I'm not a filmmaker. Starring as Darby Crash is one Shane West, who you might know from his role as Doctor Goatee on ER. Apparently Shane had fake buck teeth affixed to his own for the role. Such is Shane's devotion to his craft.

Oh, heh, by the way, the "Germs" are playing this weekend at the Continental. Wanna know who's singing? Doctor Goatee himself.

Some would think that the real Darby Crash is spinning in his grave, but I think that he's absolutely delighted to be portrayed by such a hot piece of ass.