I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. My gym, in particular, is a popular spot for these little jaunts (See: Missed Connections). Which is why I was surprised when I walked into the lobby last week to hear the opening strains of Billy Squier's "The Stroke." Was Bobby Knight the keynote speaker at the last regional managers conference? Jesus. This, and the amyl nitrate for sale at the smoothie bar, led me to believe that everything at my gym is orchestrated to encourage this sort of louche behavior.

To corroborate my theory, I've started taking note of the music they pipe in, and have heard in the past week, in addition to "The Stroke," the following songs:

• "Rocks Off," Rolling Stones


• "She Bop," Cyndi Lauper


• "Get Low," Li'l Jon


• "Turning Japanese," Vapors


• "I Touch Myself," Divinyls


• "(Meet Me in the Steam Room for) Anonymous Bareback Sex," Timbaland remix

See, it's this sort of subliminal reinforcement that seems a bit shifty to me.

Of course, until I see the videos, I won't be able to say for certain.