number one hit song: There I go, there I go, there I go again

June 08, 2005

There I go, there I go, there I go again

Now that it is suddenly 90 degrees out (this happens every year...why are we always so surprised when it does?) the sartorial trends in the city have reached terrifying new lows that lead me to wonder who on MTV is responsible THIS time.*

I thought trucker caps were dopey, but, as a brilliant man once said, We've Got a Bigger Problem Now. There is a new horrifying trend--I noticed it last summer, but it's returned.

There are these tops. Some are strapless, some aren't. They come in manifold styles and fabrics. But they share a single quality:

They make the wearer look pregnant.

Exhibit A: No matter how precious the detail, or airy and flowy the material, this screams Tri-State Tent and Tarpaulin.

Exhibit B: Is this some kind of Zen riddle? Note the words "terry" and "smock" in the name--truly the death knell of fashion--what on earth would possess you to wear this if you're not knocked and/or a grandma?

I wouldn't ordinarily be griping about this** but the truth of the matter is: These tops are a quality-of-life issue. Why, just yesterday, I managed to wrangle the last seat on the subway car, but shortly after I sat down, a young woman stood in front of me, presenting with a serious case of smockus bovinus. I stared hard at her midriff. She was a bit tubby. Was she pregnant? I'm not sure. Then the dilemma: Do I offer my seat to this woman who is younger than I am who may or may not be pregnant?***

Have you ever been mistaken for pregnant? I have. I can't imagine anything more demoralizing (aside from your exboyfriend sending you Polaroids of Courtney Love giving him a blowjob).

So I decided to stay seated. Win-win, I felt, because either way I was saving her ego or punishing her for breeding.

*I really think this is the worst MTV-inspired fashion trend since 1994, when Salt n Pepa wore those ridiculous Spandex tunics in the "Shoop" video (note Spinderella). I was living in Philadelphia at the time, a fashion-susceptible (and fairly unattractive) town. I shudder at the recollection.

**Yes I would.

***I don't offer my seat to pregnant women because I think it's somehow the world's duty to be kind to pregnant women; it's because it makes me look like a nice person.

Posted by Dana at 09:22 AM

What exactly is the story with that whole dress and pants at the same time thing? I've noticed that a lot of women here in New York––arguably one of the more fashion-conscious places on the map––are opting for this sartorial melange and I find myself increasingly distressed by this. It looks stupid and tragically indecisive. You can’t just go around wearing everything in your closet all at once. Please stop doing this, all of you.

Posted by: sakebomb at June 8, 2005 11:19 AM

Dana, I know whatchu mean.
Women, unless there are so evidentely pregnant. like at the final stage, should be sensitive enough to wera a Ø2 1/2" button ("baby inside") or a special signal, like a "P" on the forehead.
It is just fair for the whole community.

As per the fashion thing, it all depends on who is wearing it. Jen really look cute on those smok top. ;-p

Posted by: SECRETARIAT OF THE GREAT LEADER at June 8, 2005 12:33 PM

not only do those smock things make girls look pregnant, they've become the go-to top for pregger twentysomethings in my office. and they work, they look great on pregnant girls. also, i have to admit that on the right girl, the jeans + summer dress at the same time thing works for me. still, i prefer last summer's i'm-just-gonna-wear-lingerie-and-call-it-clothes look (please, god, revive this trend).

Posted by: reeves at June 8, 2005 02:04 PM

ugh. these stupid outfits bitches have hit chciago in full force. suddenly every dumpy bitch in town is in an empire waist emphasizizing her sagginess (STRAPLESS BRA, PEOPLE) and extra helping of whatever it is fat chicks eat.

Posted by: pk at June 8, 2005 04:49 PM

i still don't understand why any woman would ever wear anything other than a black bra (with straps, thank you) and white wife-beater. but that's just me. speaking of strapless bras, are not the straps the best parts of the bra? i am confused as to why anyone would delete them.

Posted by: reeves at June 9, 2005 09:59 AM