Shit from an Old Notebook
April 06, 2005
8 Comments

My registry.

At first I thought a bridal registry was sort of uncouth. I thought it'd be better if, say, everyone who wanted to give a wedding present instead donate money to a worthy charity, like UNICEF or NAMBLA.

But I came around on the flight home from Las Vegas. I thought, why not make it easy on everyone and register at Sky Mall, global purveyors of all inessential items.

OK, this is what I want:

An angry cat.


This duster, which makes it easier for your illegal alien housekeeper to clean your McMansion.


This shredder, because it's hard to destroy CDs.


This clipper, because it makes fly-aways less of a nuisance in, like, restaurants.



This, which runs on 24 AA batteries, plus 16 AAA batteries for the remote.


Golf Ball Finder glasses? More like Goofball Finder Glasses! (Dude, where's my Vikes?)


At first I thought I wanted the Single Pet Stroller.
But I decided instead on the Double-Decker Pet Stroller. Because it's more bathetic.


Imagine the fun! Just imagine it.


This, because hotdogs are hard to make.


This, because it answers the age old question of exactly what pigs do when we aren't looking.


This, because I want to liven up any party with a flowing...fountain...of chocolate.


I want one of these AND
one of these. Hours of entertainment.


Note the initials. I want photos of Jeff Gannon's ass RIGHT NOW.


This, because the ceramic figurine looks embarassed for you.


This, because it would be fun for parties.


The lamp...because she has a lampshade on her head! Ah ha ha ha! (Cast in "quality designer resin.")


"Fra-JEE-lay! It must be Italian!" The MoMA Design Store sold out of these.


Wait, forget about it...I bet my Aunt Linda is getting me this.

Send them c/o the hollow log.

Posted by Dana at 07:57 PM

Comments

Quality designer resin? Is that anything like "Dong Resin"?

Posted by: tizzie at April 7, 2005 08:14 AM

As someone who also ran off and got hitched and announced it on the interweb with a photo (which I highly recommend!), definitely register. It feels wrong, sure, but it also feels so right when you start getting the presents. Martini glasses galore.

Posted by: gwenda at April 7, 2005 08:41 AM

Oh and CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS!

Posted by: gwenda at April 7, 2005 08:41 AM

The hot dog cooker is amazing. And only $49.95!

Actually had a gf who couldn't figure out how to cook a hot dog. She was bright, that way. I must now find her, and give her one of these.

Congrats, Happy-Happy, Etc-etc.

Posted by: J at April 7, 2005 10:35 AM

Congrats congrats blah blah blah etc.!!

xoxo!

Posted by: z. at April 7, 2005 11:03 AM

next stop: "temporary" maternity leave.
sorry.
congratulations!

Posted by: max at April 8, 2005 01:36 PM

Thank you guys for the well-wishes!

There will be no maternity leave. Trust me. I've said it before, but it bears repeating: I have a good 6 years left on this IUD and I'll be damned if I don't get my money's worth out of it.

Posted by: dana at April 8, 2005 02:10 PM

Maud and I were laughing at the Hummer stereo and the double-decker pet stroller on our flight back from Nashville last month.

The Siamese on the top deck of the stroller looks a lot like one of our cats, right down to the indignant expression.

Posted by: Max at April 8, 2005 05:54 PM