No one will ever love you for your honesty

Although I'm (technically) a writer I'm completely incapable of composing a cogent, friendly remark to write in a greeting card. (Also, can someone explain why you're expected to make up stuff to say if there's already something printed inside the damned card?) Yesterday afternoon, for example, a folder containing a baby shower card for a coworker landed on my desk. I sighed and opened it up. Fifteen people had already written their well-wishes.

Something overcomes me in these situations. I sit there feverishly trying to decide what an appropriate note would be. How many euphemisms for "Congratulations on your new drain on the economy" are there?

If you fuck up, too, there's no turning back. For this reason alone, most of my inscriptions read as though their author is accustomed to speaking Esperanto.

"Best wishes on becoming a special mother!" I hastily wrote last night, knowing even as I clicked the top of my pen cap that I'd made some terrible etiquette error.

Ah, fuck it. I stuffed two bucks in the envelope and passed the card along.